I miss Notre Dame.

Sometimes, I want to tell my superiors to suck a big one and do the work they get paid $26/hr to do. I’m not here to do your dirty work people. I’m getting out of this place soon. For real.

The countdown begins. 30 days until I leave for New York City.

Rude People

Rude people make me angry. I understand if something is upsetting you and it shows in your mood once in awhile, but if you’re rude day to day, you seriously have an attitude problem.

So there’s this 40+ year old lady I work with here at the EOC. I used to work for her a few years back and we were really cool. She took care of me and took me everywhere with her. I liked her a lot then and as my boss, we got along very well and had a really great working relationship. Keep in mind that I was only about, oh, 15-16 years old then. So a few years go by, I visit her every now and then when I come back from Notre Dame. We’re cordial with each other, have some small talk, and then bid each other the best and went our seperate ways. Then a few weeks ago when I was stationed at the EOC center and I found out she was one of the supervisors and I was so relieved because there was finally someone I knew who could help me. Then a few days into my job, I try speaking with her and starting conversations here and there and she was sooo rude! I mean, I at first I thought I had done something and when I told myself that I had nothing to do with the way she was acting, I came to the conclusion that she was just a cold, rude, wretched old woman now. Mean, I know. But it’s true. She acknowledges everyone around me and refuses to talk to me unless she yells at me for something I had no part of. It’s completely random, I have no idea what happened. But anyway, my point is, I just don’t like rude people. I know for a fact she has no legit reason to be such a hag to me all the time. Maybe it’s because I’m someone else’s assistant and I basically run my own department, only a few months into being 20. Like I said, she’s a 40+ year old woman treating a 20 year old girl like a piece of crap because she feels like she can, basically. It’s ridiculous! I mean, come on. Really? Grow up lady! You’re trying to compare yourself to someone in a completely different generation. Anyway, I’m going off again. Back to my main point, she really makes me mad.  I wonder if she gets a kick out of being a turd to someone more than half her age.

Here is how our daily conversations go:

A: Make sure your boss gets this.
L: *Stare at the computer screen* Alright, thanks.
A: (20 minutes later) Has he read it yet?
L: He hasn’t been back yet.
A: I said to make sure he got it. Now we’re going to have to cover up the fire you started. You should have given it to him….
L: Uh, excuse me? If it was that important you should have found him yourself and gave it to him instead of leaving it on his desk because, like I said, he hasn’t been back yet.

A: We’re getting lunch. What do you want?
L: Just a coffee.
A: …..What?
L: Just a coffee….?
A: Oh well you can get that yourself if that’s all you want.
L: What’s with the attitude lady!? I didn’t just confess to sleeping with your husband I just said I wanted coffee!

I’m kidding. I wish I said that. Professionalism. That’s all I have to remember. Until my employment comes to an end, I don’t have anything to say to that witch.

I see you.

He sees me. He sees who am i. He sees what others are to busy or to blind to see. He sees me.

When I see problems, he sees the possibilities in them. Solutions where I can only see trouble. And I am thankful for that. A shoulder to lean on. A hand to hold. A person to love. That’s him. And I absolutely adore him. Especially his morning smile. And they way he looks at the lifelines in my hands. How he follows them with the tips of his fingers. How it usually tickles. How he says: “your lifelines say that we are forever.” And I believe him. No matter what he says. I will believe him. And that is power. That is making yourself so vulnerable that it scares you but you still take the risk. The chance of letting yourself love – and be loved in return.

My butterflies become suicide bombers and throw themselves at the walls of my stomach when I see or hear your name. Which is a good feeling since it is the feeling that I have always associate with love. And that I can still feel it after 1 and a half year makes me believe in us, believe in that we are forever.

We are forever.

Prince Charming

I feel ripped off by Disney movies. I grew up believing that my very own Prince Charming would find me, and it would be lovely, and I would be happy forever and there would never be a spider in the bath, or a blown light bulb when I’m home alone, or a rainy day when I missed the bus. My Prince Charming would never let me feel sad. I honestly believed that, because seeing is believing, and that was all I’d seen.
But I was little then, and now I am fourteen years old, and I wonder if Prince Charmings even exist. I know I’m too young to feel like this, but I’m glad of it. I’m glad I’ve realized now that even if I did find that perfect boy for me, sometimes spiders might still crawl up through the drain and I might only see them once I’d gotten all my bubble bath and candles ready. And I know that bus drivers are dickheads and won’t stop driving for someone who’s running to the stop, even if I do find the love of my life. I am glad that I know, now, that it’s okay if I never have a man like Prince Eric or Aladdin. Because Eric fucked a fish lady and Aladdin wears stupid pants anyway, and they couldn’t solve all my problems with a pretty song and dance.

So I feel ripped off by Disney movies, because they lied to me when I was just a gullible little kid, and made me wish I could go to a ball and find the love of my life. I feel ripped off, because they made me hope for something impossible. I feel ripped off, because what I’ve learned in my short life is not to believe what you see in movies. And now, if my very own Prince Charming came along, I wouldn’t even see him.

-lily

from: http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/

I know you’ve seen this before…

There’s a vulture perching right off screen
And it’s bitter and whispers chaotic things
And it reached in quick ain’t it worrying
It’s so easy to see, everyone can agree, stop listening

I know you’ve heard it before
But then it wasn’t enough
You don’t wanna be held back from the substitution
I know you’ve seen this before
And now enough is too much
You don’t wanna be set back when the substitution comes
I’m sorry

You’re a marionette in the center of
All the twisting strings coming from above
It may seem too deep to recover from
It’s so easy to see, everyone can agree, just let it go

I know you’ve heard it before
But then it wasn’t enough
You don’t wanna be held back from the substitution
I know you’ve seen this before
And now enough is too much
You don’t wanna be set back when the substitution comes
I’m sorry
I’m sorry

When the voices start spinning just be aware
I have brought enough stones for us to share
That one’s grinning that one’s burning, aim for the throat
Let him choke on the stones that we are to throw

It’s the great downfall
Not the overthrow
If you shoot them down
It’ll make you soar

When reactions turn into hurricanes
And the middle course seems a little tame
Whether full or empty it’s all the same
It’s so easy to see, everyone can agree, you’re not to blame

I know you’ve heard it before
But then it wasn’t enough
You don’t wanna be held back from the substitution
I know you’ve seen this before
but now enough is too much
You don’t wanna be set back when the substitution comes
I’m sorry

Donation Assessment on behalf of the Navajo Nation Emergency Operations Team

I’m trying to allocate donations for the benefit of the Navajo Nation People. Unfortunately, our government system is so inadequate and dysfunctional that it has repeatedly denied necessary emergency funding for the relief of our people (specifically two requests for $3 million were made and overall, only $1 million was put aside). Anyway, I’m the Donations Chief and Correspondent so my job is to locate donors and donations for my cause. Right now, I’m all alone. No help or second at my side. So I have a pretty big responsibility but I’m ready for the challenges ahead. I just don’t understand how a nation can look past it’s people and refuse to see the problem that faces them everyday. It’s really sad to watch how our government works here on the reservation. I don’t want to change anything or put any organization or individual down for their lack of assistance or dedication to their people, but I’m just saying, it’s pretty messed up how people refuse to acknowledge what’s happening around them. I was talking to my mom about this and she was like, “People don’t even know what’s happening here. Not even the newspapers. No one knew it was that bad.” I was so surprised! I was like, “What?!” There are missing person flyers all over the place, there are homeless people everywhere, people are dying left and right, there are people sleeping the chapter houses and no one knows? That’s such a pile of crap! As for the newspapers? They don’t care one bit, in my opinion. They’re just out to get a good story. So here comes this natural disaster and the only concern they’re worrying about is being able to find the public information officer to get information. If the newspaper really wanted to know or help, they would be providing all the resources necessary in their papers about personal safety measure people could take, they would located different donors and they would advertise for donations. You see? It has nothing to do with “not knowing” it’s about actually taking that step forward and acknowledging the situations and providing relief.

I don’t even know where I fit in with all of that. I mean, I was never here, for the most part of my “adult” life, and so far, that’s been almost 3 years. Now I’m throwing my time and effort into this whole operation. It’s not that I never cared about my community before this, I guess I was just like everyone else, too busy to care. But I don’t know what woke me up, I guess it was human nature. I saw people suffering before my eyes and I couldn’t step away and ignore the situation. I had to help. And now, here I am.

Well I better stop rambling. I have to go pick my sister up.

Please help!

Working isn’t that bad.

My job actually isn’t that bad.

A lot of my jobs have been similar but based on the current situation, I’m busy all the time and I’m working at most 12hrs a day, every day.

I need a life.

But I’m making the money I need to make to go to NYC in a few weeks. So that’s all that matters at this point.

Night.

My eyes are burning.

I don’t want to wear my contacts right now. I’ve been at work since 8am and I can’t leave for at least another 2hrs so I’m screwed. I’m not tired. I just can’t take my contacts out. Plus I’m hungry.

Oh yeah, I got a job. I was just hired today with the Emergency Operation Team for Window Rock. So it’s demanding and intense. But it’s all good. I need something to keep me busy. I’m going to be working 12hrs a day, 7 days a week, for the next 6 weeks. Exciting right? Of course. I’m going to be making bank.

Anyway. Nothing new besides that. I’m just kinda bored and I don’t really know what to do with myself since I’m taking a semester off. I can’t wait to go to Europe though. I’m so excited. My friend actually gave me a really good idea the other night, he said I should stay there a few months and work in some hostel in Italy. I was surprised because I don’t know how I didn’t think of that first. It’s a great idea. No doubt. I’m actually considering buying a one-way ticket to London, hang out with some friends there, get a ticket to Barcelona, stay there a week, then go to Italy. I don’t really have anything planned out, but that’s just how I am. I’m kinda spontaneous so I’m just going to go with whatever I feel like. Hopefully my financial situation at the time can handle it.

But anyway. The snow is horrible here. Like gross and terrible. The slushy part of it is disgusting. Thank god there is no mud yet.

I really miss someone right now too. Actually a few people but one person in particular. Hm, that’s another story I don’t feel like occupying myself with right now.

Time to actually find some work to do. Better yet, find food!

The Plan.

Here’s the plan for the next year.

1. Get a job. It’s so hard to find a job here. A decent, great-paying job is what I need. But I’ll settle with anything. Beggars can’t be choosers.

2. After saving up, go to London, Barcelona, and Italy in April.

(Possible 3: Get stuck in London/Barcelona/Italy, get a job, travel. That would be sweet.)

3. In the summer, move to NYC and try to find a place to live and a job. After I have those two – I just gotta pray to God to help me make it on my own.

4. January 2011, back to Notre Dame I go…shit…

Leave me alone.

I haven’t taken my meds in about 2 days and I feel like shit. The first day I forgot, the second day I couldn’t find them. Who would have thought that two days off them could pull me insideout. I can already tell the difference in my mood, it’s like I’m sensitive to anything said to me. I couldn’t sleep for shit last night. My stomach hurts. I look at the bottle and think, maybe popping 5 pills will do the trick. But then I realize I’m not desperate enough to do it anyway. My room is dark. I have the music blasting. If the world is about to end, like everyone says it is, I wish it would just get it over with.

This place is completely fucked.

I can’t wait to leave…again…